I’m growing tired of living without any sort of knowledge of what may be going on in my head.   Why are you scared?  It’s quite obvious that there are some problems that need to be addressed.  It’s been almost 2 years since this issue has been brought up and discussed, and there has been nothing done to help.  I’ve carved words into my arms and swallowed medicine in hope that I would simply sleep away these thoughts.  I’ve cried over and over for “no reason”, only because I couldn’t find the correct terms to explain.  I feel that trying to self-diagnose myself is of little importance and may be disrespectful to those who have been medically diagnosed.  I’m over that now, and its no surprise that I enjoy keeping my head out of reality.  Its the healthier alternative to self-harm anyway.

I hate being oblivious; I need to find out EXACTLY what is going on.  I don’t want to place the blame on anyone without any solid reasoning.  I don’t even think that I can blame anyone for this, everything is beyond control.  I just want to get better and rid my head of these bothersome voices that make me feel hopeless.  I know that there is a happy person that resides in me, but I don’t want to have to rely on others to draw that “me” out.  

I hope that I’ll get to see a psychiatrist in the near future, but I can’t right now.   You’re too scared to accept the fact that there is something wrong with me.  However, there are problems that can be fixed.   I hope that mine are the type that do have a solution.  I want to know that there is an honest beauty in life.